I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
