Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
