he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize