"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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