i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
