Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
