so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
