I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
