I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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