Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My life is pants optional.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
