I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
