I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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