I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
