Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
