No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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