I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My bed smells like the plague
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
