We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
