It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
