you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
