two words: eviction party
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
whose parrot is this?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
