Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
