new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
