FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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