I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize