Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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