there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
