just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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