My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize