He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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