I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
