i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So squirting runs in the family.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
