If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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