OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
