He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
