On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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