Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
