Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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