Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
