but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
