i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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