He disabled his match.com account in front of me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
