Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
