There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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