I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think people are normalizing furries
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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