so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
