The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
