dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
