I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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