Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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