we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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