Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
