I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
