I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
