saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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