my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
