Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
