I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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